His First Love!!!

They say you never forget your first love no matter how and when. Those small little memories make a permanent stay in your heart and take you down the memory lane whenever you knock the hidden door of your heart where you have locked them...safely…deep down inside.

I smile. It has been 4 years now still my eyes are welled up and yet again…I miss him.

4 years back --

It was a cold, real cold winter afternoon. After a regular lunch interval I check my personal emails and the social media site -- friends’ book. I saw some friend requests and most of them were from boys. I read the names one after other but my eyes stopped at only one name. Sameer Negi! I saw the profile picture.  A tall guy sitting on a park bench. I mumbled…Naah, not-my-type…I still accepted his request. I wonder why? But when it’s written in the destiny it happens. And everything that happens has a reason. I was still unaware that this is the beginning of the new story. 

The next afternoon he sends me a message on the chat

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Sameer: Hey :)

Meera: (After 5 min) Hello…(I don’t smile with strangers)

Sameer: Thanks for accepting me as a friend.

Meera: Haha, I just accepted the friend request and you are yet to be my friend...got it..

Sameer: Ohh, that’s the case. I am sure we can be good friend, friends forever. :)

Meera: Sure, Lets see :P

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The chat ends and I am back at work. Another afternoon as I logged into FB, I receives his chat again. Initially I thought he is getting cheesy so I remained to be cut to cut. But soon we were chatting regularly. I always wait for him to initiate (a typical girly style u see). During one such chat he confessed that he always looks forward to chat with me every afternoon and he likes these afternoons. We talked about our likes, dislikes, food, movies, songs and what not. Sameer share everything about his family too. He belongs to a middle class family from Uttarakhand. His elder brother is a Delhi based IT professional like me. He tells me how he always wanted to be in the Indian army and his journey to become an army office. I only listened to him but never have shared my things with him though I would like to but not that soon. I somehow like the way he talks to me. He has strong command over English and Hindi language. He has got his own style of writing and I was secretly impressed with this soldier.
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Sameer:  Meera, tell me more about you. I want to listen to you…

Meera: “what do I tell you?”

Sameer: Tell me about your passion for writing and craze for singing.  And what do you do the entire day. I would love to know it all.

Meera: Nothing special…I get up, make breakfast and lunch…then office and then evening home and…

Sameer: (with angry emojis) I said “in details”

Sameer : Meera…

I want to listen to you…please keep on talking…I am loving you..

Meera : Excuse me…what?

Sameer: haha, I mean I love everything you write

Meera: ok :)

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“I-am-loving-you”…I scroll the message and read it over and over again. One voice inside me tells ‘he accidently said it’ but the other said ‘no he started loving you’. I said shut up u both…. But I like this new friend because I am happy! :)

The next afternoon due to deadlines of the project I remained busy. I promised myself to be focused but uff…I was unable to. I wanted to chat with him. I took a deep sigh while sipping coffee. My heart is beating faster than usual. I am trying to work but also thinking about him back in my mind. I am confused to understand this strange feeling. I could log into friendsbook only by late evening and then I received his offline messages. He dedicated me a song “Mai tenu samjhavan ki” by Rahat Fateh Ali Khan. I downloaded this song and listened to it word by word and just fell in love with this song. I was so engrossed with the music that I didn’t realized when I fell asleep.

The next afternoon as we chat again...

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Sameer:  Hey sweetie :)

Meera : Hey...hii

Sameer: Meera…

Meera : Ahaan…(aww, I loved when he types my name)

Sameer: (Ohh, I so love when she says ahaan) I think

Meera : Yes…what?

 Sameer: Um getting nuts for you...like I felt this never before…Um Feeling crazy for you.

Meera – shut up, don’t pull my leg..LOL

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No message exchanged for next 10 minutes. I remained silent. I told him that he knows I can’t get into all this. There is no question talking anything further and I ended the chat pretending to be busy. For next three days there was no chat and the irony was…I was missing him…ya badly. I still don’t know what I feel for him but he certainly is special…He is my very good friend. Moreover I am so used to of him and he is disappeared for 3 days.

Finally that night there was a single message.

Sameer: Meera, Listen, One of my favorite song “Tu mujhe soch kabhi”

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I quickly searched on YouTube and watched this video. It’s the love story of an ordinary boy and a high class girl. He loves her endlessly but she never considers him. At the end when the boy is leaving the college and going back home she realizes she loves him. Does Sameer wanted to relate our story with this song? I lay down on bed trying a false attempt to sleep. I feel some sort of burden on my heart, feelings totally messed up and many questions in my mind. Am I over thinking about him? Am I falling for him? I decided to talk to him next afternoon and sort it out this entire chapter.

Today, I had no breakfast and no lunch but I am still feeling full. I am waiting for him to be online. My heart is racing in a marathon when I see a green signal on his name. He initiated as usual.

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Sameer: Hiii :)

Meera:  Hello… :)

Sameer: How r u doing?

Meera: All good n u?

Sameer:  fine, out with friends for shopping...vacation is getting over now.

Meera: (My heart jumped in my mouth but I manage to type) ohh, r u leaving…when?

Sameer: ya, Soon J talk to you later. Bbye

Meera: Bye

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I am silent. I didn’t like the thought of him leaving. Why am I worried? Anyways I wanted to close this chapter then why I am sad? My mind is not at peace at all. I remember he told me once that they don’t get phone facility on borders forget about internet. But I wanted to chat with him more. The video of flashback in running in my mind how happy I was with him, he makes me feel special and beautiful. He appreciates everything I do. Let that be my work or my art or my music. Moreover he listens to me - carefully. The mere thought him going away made me uncomfortable. But then I thought, anyways he is miles away from me then how does it matter if he goes few more miles.  I sleep with millions of thoughts dancing in my mind tonight.

The next afternoon…he is offline...I checked two more times in between…but no signs.

The second afternoon…he is offline again…but later he is online…first time I initiated. Though, I don’t know what and how to write. I desperately wants to chat with him.
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Meera: Hi :)                                                                             

Sameer: Hii :) Whats up?

Meera: ya all great...the song you suggested was nice. I liked it.

Sameer: hmm, You only liked it?

Meera:  means, ya I loved it…nice music and lyrics

Sameer: I meant to say, did you only liked it...or you understood it?

Meera: hmm...(with a long and deep breath I dare to write firm)

Look Sameer…it’s not about understanding it or not…I know what you are trying to convey ok but that’s just impossible and you know it.

Sameer: why?? Anything is possible. Everyone can choose to be happy by their choice.

Meera: but I have NO choice                                             

Sameer – You know Meera…I am so very happy to have in my life. I wasn’t this happy when I was in merit list or when I got this job. I don’t want to let you go…I do...I really do love you.

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I felt the time has stopped then and there. My hands went numb to type anything further. My eyes were not even blinking. My colleagues and things around me gone on pause mode like shown in movies. He left the conversation. And I am left with 3 beautiful words…”I LOVE YOU”

For next two days I didn’t get to see him online but I am online 24/7. “Why I kept myself available?” I asked myself. I am now worried, not a single message until now. These two days are like two months. They refuse to go fast. I lost my smile and enthusiasm.

This evening I am listening to those songs he dedicated me. The cold evening breezes adds more romance to it. I am actually connecting myself with them. I am feeling as if he is singing for me. Each word and music is touching straight my heart. I am getting emotional for the songs...or for him? I cried. I cried because I was missing him. I cried because I wanted to talk to him.

Suddenly my phone beeps. I hastily pick the phone to check the chat notification and to my surprised it was his message.

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Sameer:  Hey sweetie :)

Meera: (desperately) hey...hi…where r u?? Is everything alright? I was waiting...I was worried…

Sameer: Meera…

Meera: Haan…

Sameer: Just relax…everything is fine. Don’t worry. I am travelling back to my work place. No net connectivity. Tried with mobile and laptop but finally got the net on Tab.

Meera: I am happy to see you :)

Sameer: Reelly…me too :) :)

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I saw him typing something but guess he lost the connection. I had received the next message late night.

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Sameer – You don’t know how much struggled I did to get the net connectivity and talk to you. I am an army man and know about gun. I am not like you my techie girl :)

You must be wondering why I left the conversation half that day and didn’t even greet you goodbye. Frankly speaking I hate the day when I leave the home. I always stay strong watching my mother crying for me every year. And this time it was more different. I felt something is leaving behind, Something I love, something I want all my life. I was not just leaving one lady behind but two. One is my Mother and the other is you.

I love you and If only you also love me please reply else I leave this beautiful story incomplete...just like that. But remember Meera, I have loved you from day one and slowly and entirely I am fallen for you.  I promised, I am and I will always love you Meera, my Pari. And if there is life after death I will love you even then…You are in my heart and in my name too. “SaMeera”. Sameer ki Meera!! Inseparable.

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I read his message over and over again. I am happy yet some part of me is sad, I am feeling lucky yet I am scared, I want to fly high and shout, let the whole world know how much he loves me yet I am keeping the secret inside me. It’s such a beautiful feeling delicate like a feather. I haven’t experienced it ever before. I am glowing, blushing and smiling too. Everything around me is looking way beautiful and happy than ever. Oh God. Am I in love? Is this all real?? But what kind of love is this and can love happen AGAIN?

Just then I got distracted as the door bell rings. It’s Aakash, my husband.

Sameer knows I am married for 2 years now but he still fell for me. He has good personality and top of it he is an Army officer. Any girl will happily marry him then why he choose me? To which he said love never happens with the calculations it just happens….

Until now, I have been adjusting for our family values and social status. It’s not that I don’t love Aakash but that strong bond has never established between us. It was our decision to marry each other when I was only 23 and he was 27. Initially everything was fine but soon things changed inexplicably. He is busy throughout day and night. But his family, friends, office, tours all seems important – except me. He has given me credit cards, money, expensive gift, lavish lifestyle, diamonds but not his time, not his shoulders to lean on when I need, not his ears to listen when I want to talk. I craved to be with him and slowly I was dying inside. So, I spend maximum time in office or with my friends. And now I have Sameer to be busy with. We talk on so many topics. We discuss, debate, put our opinion but we never fight. Moreover he is eager to listen me, my dreams and understand my feelings better. I think I found my happiness in him. I am still not sure what relationship we share friendship, love or infatuation. I never said I love him and he is still hopeful.

Now we are on calls for hours and hours long. I learnt he got my number from FB. He loves my voice and I love his. We even sang on phone. Time flies and hours looks like seconds while we talk.

Fortunately, this year he is posted at head office in Rajasthan before he will serve at border so we are blessed with the networks and internet. This was the best of the news I heard recently. :)

That day I and Aakash were late to office because of the late night dinner party. I quickly grabbed my laptop, mobile and other belongings and we drove to our respective offices. As soon as I reached I have piled up work and I got busy with it. After an hour or so when my phone doesn’t show any missed call or message I took my phone to check. I could not see any familiar numbers. I checked it again and I was shocked to see it was Aakash’s phone in my hand and certainly my phone was with him. I was hell of a scared. With the shaky hand I dared to dial to reach Aakash but he didn’t answer. Once, twice, thrice…. 10^th time I called but had no answer. I was panic. I left a message but he didn’t reply. I was never ever this scared. I was almost crying. I messaged Sameer from a friend’s mobile about the incident but guess I was late. He was already chatting with me since morning. Which was actually Aakash, not me. Sameer called me on my friend’s number and he was very upset to know Aakash did a fake chat with him. All I knew was we were at big trouble. We ended up our call as my mind was stuck at the biggest storm.

Aakash finally called me and told to be home immediately. I knew the reason so I did as he said.

At home, we were sitting face to face. I didn’t have enough courage to face him. He is too possessive for me and never tolerates any of my male friends. He asked me in a calm voice about Sameer. I kept quite. He again asked “what is going on between you two?”  I was silent. Words are not reaching to my mouth. He lost patience and slapped me hard on my face. He screamed and walked away. I burst into tears I told him he is just a good friend but he refused to believe me. That night Aakash was drunk beyond the limits. We spent entire night awake and we both cried like anything…alone!!!

Next morning we both stayed back home. No conversation as if there was a death in the house. Yes, death…death of the trust, death of the promises, death of the commitment and death of the love. I killed it all. I was the one responsible to ruin the relationship. Aakash sats on the bed. He burst into tears like a kid. He asked me why I did this to him. He said, “I am failed Meera, total failed. You backstabbed me, you cheated on me. You have shattered my life and broke me into pieces. Why did you do this to me?? I kept mum but continued crying. He reminded me his scarifies, his struggle for me and my happiness. And I pushed all in vain. I didn’t say a word because he wasn’t in a state of listening to me.

Sameer’s message flashes if everything is fine and if I want he can talk to Aakash and explain everything. I ignored his message for the first time. I didn’t know how to handle this situation.

Finally I broke down hearing so many unbearable questions and I said “Aakash, I was alone, very alone. Just then he entered in my life and I felt I found a good friend. I agree I like him or maybe I love him but I never cheated on you. We have lost our friendship after marriage and he is soul friend I needed”. I cried. I felt I lost Sameer too. I cried because I will be alone again. I cried until I collapsed on the floor and fainted.

After few hours when I gained my senses back Aakash was sitting beside me. He held my hand and cried. Our swelled eyes are a proof of the regret. We collapsed in each other’s arm.  We promised to protect our marriage till the end. He told that when I was unconscious Sameer called. He told how lucky I am to have you and although he loves you he wants your happiness and your happiness lies in me. Now his doubts are clear and he do not wanted to lose me again. We hugged each other. I cried and secretly thank Sameer for everything.

Sameer stopped messaging or calling me. I had no courage to initiate it all over again. We both knew it’s painful. Gradually we set our roads apart with the assest of some awesome memories we gained all these months. I locked all these moments and memories deep down…safely. I certainly am going to miss him for lifetime and I am sure he too.

And from that day on I and Aakash tried our best to settle our routine in best possible manner. This time he looks more careful and loving. There were visible changes in him as per his commitment. He was changing himself...changing for me. He was more concern about me and my feelings. He called me, listened to me and went out with me as and when possible. Now he don’t shout or disrespect me but cares and loves me just the way I am. Days are passing by and slowly I was getting back to my married life again yet Sameer continues to stay in the corner of my heart. I miss the chats and calls. I actually miss the friend I had. On the other hand I found my Aakash back. I was happy and sad at the same moment to gain one back and to have lost other.

I owe Sameer a lot. He taught how to love myself, how to be happy and he helped bringing Aakash back to me. One day I decided to call him. He was extremely happy to hear my voice. I thanked him for returning my first love to me. If at all Sameer wasn’t in life I would have never been possible. He was glad and said “I never knew what first love is all about but I have experienced it now. Though I lost mine but I feel happy that you have your’s. But you were, are and will always be my first love. I wish you have a twin sister just as you. I would have married her yaar and we burst into laughter. For the first time I told him “I love you Sameer!!! I don’t know what the world will name our relationship. But it’s certainly beyond any materialist relationship. Whatever it is, it’s a pure love and I am fortunate to know the best man as you.”

That was our last call. We knew we have to walk on different roads towards different destinations. We depart with the hope if destiny wants we will meet someday…somewhere again!!!

I now happily moved on with Aakash and blessed with a baby boy recently. He changed a lot for me and I am thankful to God for all the blessings and to have sent Sameer as an angel in our lives to fix our relationship. 

I now firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Every person that comes in your life has a purpose. I wish he stays happy and blessed wherever he is.   

He taught me what first love is all about and I met his first love!!! 

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Love and Gratitude,

Snehal Dubey

(PS. – The story and the characters are based on imagination and have no connection with me or anyone I know)

(All Copyrights reserved with the writer)